Tough economic times took a bite out of the party budget this year. Not only were we forced to downscale, we've adopted a theme of "reuse, reread, recycle". In fact, we found some perfectly good features from past years and hauled them out of the attic.

So leave your gift on the table, grab a cup of cheer, and let the man of the hour know how you really feel about him bleeding blue all over your perfect purple prose.

Here's To Ya, EE

Dear Evil,

Tell us if you think this is nuts: Say you’re an author (or you think you are, anyway), and you spend the better part of a year, or maybe more, writing to catch up with the writing you should have been doing all along. Maybe it’s been your life’s dream and you’re finally taking the plunge toward possible publication. And you’re on your own, just working, feeling pretty damned alone with it all, so you start checking out websites with writing information here and there. And you’re clicking along and clicking along and one day, one day, you happen upon, and you click on the archives to go back to the beginning, and you read…

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Am I Evil?

Tell me if this is evil. You spend two years creating your masterpiece, the great American novel. 600 pages of blood, sweat and tears. You package it up and ship it to Evil Editor with a self-addressed envelope. I remove it from its package, spend thirty seconds reading the first page, roll my eyes, and toss the manuscript onto a pile in the corner. Eight months later I e-mail you a rejection letter because I'm too lazy to walk out to my mailbox and mail you a hard copy. Besides, I can't mail you anything, because I long ago steamed the stamp off your self-addressed envelope and used it to send my 1st wife a letter explaining that she won't be getting any more child support because I blew all my spare cash paying my divorce lawyer to see that I got the Ferrari when my 2nd wife dumped me.

No doubt that's what all writers assume happens when they submit a manuscript. And for the most part, they're right. But occasionally editors have legitimate reasons for rejecting work. As a public service, I'm taking the liberty of publishing excerpts from actual query letters I've received, letters that would have made me cry, if I weren't too busy laughing.

I write like how I talk; pretty darned entertaining.

My manuscript contains 71,282 words and in my opinion is brillant.

Background of the Author is as follows: worked with a Surveyor for some time. Then worked in a Shearing shed ,and after that entered the Army for 6 years. a natural Carpenter, can make furniture

Some events, Carries baby upside down, by leg, breaking it. Attempts to drownd son, from moving boat. Thrown from a car. Set on fire. (See intense) This is only a few event's…

And you’re delighted, inside and out, because you’ve found the Literary Rock of Gibraltar, The Sparky One (a/k/a Evil Editor).

A lot has been said about the man behind the cartoon mask in other places, like, for instance, the (justifiably) infamous “well well well passages” found here and the lovely words of our resident genius, ril, found here.

But however we say it, EE, we say it with heartfelt gratitude. You’ve given us laughs and a place to try our writing selves on for size. You’ve given us a place to be laughed at and learn to take it; a place to be critiqued and learn to analyze the criticism; a place to find like minds (which actually, if you think about it, is freaking terrifying, in its own tasty way) and find comrades-in-arms for the battles the writing world tosses our way.

You may have started this as a lark, Spark, but it turned into something bigger.

Thank you. We love ya, man.

(Now when’s that damn get-together at your house? We’re just sayin’…)

Open Chat Room

Be a good party guest. Mingle!

UPDATE: This room is full. Fire marshal says move on to Room Two.

Chat Room Two

Because once around is never enough.